Miss Daisy's Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

By Sophie Burkett

Miss Daisy turned to the camera.

‘Tomorrow I’m going to show you how to can vegetables from your garden to sustain you through any kind of attack or plague. The shelves of my underground bunker are filled with them,’ she said with a hint of her carefully faked American accent. ‘No one in my family is getting scurvy while we’re seeing out the apocalypse.’

Miss Daisy took off her favourite vintage apron with its riot of poppies and put it on the hook next to the pantry of her original 1950s kitchen. She smoothed down her handmade Lucille Ball style green dress and primped her hair just like her 50s housewife icon Donna Reed. ‘Bye for now, and remember the boy scouts motto, always be prepared.’

After turning off the camera she packed up the solar charger, waterproof matches and space blanket that littered her kitchen table. Daisy wasn’t sure the episode on the perfect emergency pack for the car would go down that well. What most of her website subscribers thought they needed in the advent of an emergency was heavy artillery, not water, first aid kits and product placement torches.

Daisy changed into boring jeans and a t-shirt ready to go into town later. In a place where everyone wanted to know each other’s business she made sure her look didn’t follow her. Only her best friend Jane knew about her online life, but Jane had secrets of her own and would never tell.

With English breakfast tea poured into a flowery cup and saucer she started her day. She blogged about what was growing in her garden and the pattern of the scarf she was knitting for her imaginary great Aunt Jane. She said how important it was to keep traditional skills that are going to be essential in the coming times.

Next was responding to posts. She groaned as she saw the question she was asked most. At least once a week she got some version of this query from Confused in Cincinnati.

Dear Miss Daisy, my friend says the apocalypse will come when aliens attack the earth. I think there’ll be a zombie virus. Oh God, George A. Romero had a lot to answer for. The post went on. But my Dad thinks that some kind of flu will wipe out most of the population. He says he doesn’t mind so much cause most people aren’t worth having around. What do you think will happen?

She desperately wanted to say Triffids, I think Triffids will take over the earth, but Miss Daisy would never be flippant and Miss Daisy could never take sides. No choosing aliens over zombies or flu over nuclear warfare, she could lose half her audience. She took a sip of tea and prepared to be sensible.

Dear Confused in Cincinnati, I don’t know what’s coming, I wish I did. But I do know that there may be an event that means that we can’t rely on things we have now like electricity, running water and fresh food. We have to be prepared for it. Stay safe, Miss Daisy.

Daisy hadn’t believed in any kind of apocalypse when she had started Miss Daisy’s Guide. Now she wasn’t so sure. With the swine flu epidemic that had been yet again sweeping cities, the nuclear emergencies and the constant natural disasters, what she had told Confused in Cincinnati wasn’t far from the truth.

Daisy had never been a conspiracy nut. The show started as a way to get more acting practice. Armed with a cheap video camera and her grandma’s old-fashioned skills Daisy started doing videos on how to crochet, preserve fruit and make bread. The only people who watched were preppers who stored food in their basement and survivalists who stored food and guns. They were also prepared to pay to watch.

 

The phone rang as she scripted her next show.

‘Hey, Mistress of Smut,’ Daisy said to Jane. ‘How’s the porn business?’

‘Erotica,’ Jane said automatically.

Daisy laughed. ‘Honey, I’ve read your stuff. It’s porn. It’s good porn, but it’s still porn.’

‘How are your freaks?’ Jane asked.

‘I wish you wouldn’t call them that.’ Daisy tried not to make fun of them, at least not out loud. ‘Same as usual and business is growing. Every time there’s a disaster more come out of the woodwork.’

‘Usually carrying guns,’ Jane said.

‘True,’ Daisy said. There was no point denying it. ‘I’m glad I’m not in the U.S.’

‘Yeah, then your little fan club might find out the truth about you and your perfect family, not to mention your imaginary bunker.’

‘Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my family.’

‘Really? I’d love to see your viewer’s faces when they find out that your husband Bob and the kids Jessie and Steve are chooks.’

Daisy laughed. ‘They’re very special chooks, and no one ever needs to find out about them.’

‘You’re such a liar,’ Jane said.

‘Charming, was there a reason for this call?’

‘Wanna car pool to Stitch and Bitch?’

Every week a group of women in town met for the modern version of a knitting circle. They filled up on conversation and sugar and sometimes even knitted.

‘If you want a lift, just ask,’ Daisy said.

‘Please can I have a lift? I finally caved and went out with Norma’s nephew last night. The only way I could face it was wine, lots of wine. I’m way too hungover to drive.’

‘No? You went out with Robert? What happened?’

‘I do not want to talk about it.’

There was a knock at the door. Daisy, still on the phone, walked down the hall. ‘I’ll give you a lift.’ She looked out the screen door. There were two young boys on the other side. What the hell were two kids doing on her doorstep? ‘Hang on a sec, there’s someone here.’

‘Miss Daisy?’ one said.

‘Um, just a minute.’ She backed into the hall. ‘Shit.’ This wasn’t good.

‘What’s happening?’ hissed Jane.

‘There are two boys asking for Miss Daisy.’

‘Some juvenile hacker was bound to find you eventually.’

‘Shit,’ Daisy said again.

‘Miss Daisy?’ the boy asked, sounding confused. Miss Daisy would never swear.

‘Get over here now,’ she said to Jane and turned back to the door. ‘Yes I’m Daisy, what can I do for you?’

‘You look different.’

She was tempted to lie, tell them they had the wrong place, the wrong person, anything to get rid of them. ‘Yes,’ she finally answered. She opened the door and stepped onto the veranda. ‘Do you want a seat?’ She motioned to the swing seat that was her kitsch pride and joy. They sat awkwardly, their legs sticking out as the seat rocked. They wore scruffy clothes that looked like Vinnie’s rejects, and had bad haircuts. The one who had spoken was small and wiry with the kind of red hair that was supposed to be dying out. The other was big and awkward. He was clutching an old backpack like it held the answers to life, the universe and everything.

She didn’t know what to say, and they didn’t seem inclined to start. The redhead shivered in the afternoon breeze. For Christ’s sake she thought, take them inside. She sighed. ‘Why don’t you come in? I’ll get you something to drink.’

The redhead stopped the swing. ‘Okay.’

They followed her to the door. For the first time she heard the voice of the big one.

‘Are you sure we’re in the right place?’ he whispered to his friend. ‘She doesn’t look like Miss Daisy. She could be some kind of psycho killer.’

‘Come on,’ his friend said. ‘It’ll be fine.’ He didn’t sound sure.

Daisy took a cardigan from the pegs by the front door and buttoned it to the top as she walked into the one room in the house she knew they’d feel safe. She turned on the light in the kitchen and waved a hand towards the table. ‘Take a seat, I’ll make hot chocolate.’ She put on her apron, and at least from the knees up she was transformed.

‘It’s really you,’ the redhead said.

‘I’m afraid so.’ She turned to the stove and started heating milk. She could hear the boys whispering again.

‘It’s like being on TV. We’re in Miss Daisy’s kitchen.’

Great, she thought. My kitchen’s a bigger star than I am. She heard the front door open and Jane strode down the hall.

‘I hear Miss Daisy has some gentlemen callers,’ Jane said. ‘Hi I’m Jane, who are you?’

‘I’m Mark and he’s Adam,’ the redhead said jerking his head towards his silent friend.

‘Nice to meet you Mark and Adam,’ Jane said. ‘Aren’t you a bit young to be coming all the way out here on your own?’

‘We’re 16,’ Mark said.

‘Really?’

‘14?’ he didn’t sound sure.

‘Seeing this is apparently a negotiation I’ll give you 13,’ Jane said. They were 12 at the most.

Mark smiled. ‘Deal.’

Daisy made herself busy heating milk and mixing in chocolate. She’d never had to be Miss Daisy in real life before. Okay, what would Donna Reed do? Donna would feed them and get them home to their parents. She could do that. She put four hot chocolates on the table and a plate of peanut butter cookies that she had made for the show because ‘even when the world is falling down around us we still need cookies.’

The boys fell on the cookies. Mark stuffed one in his mouth whole. ‘Are these the ones from Tuesday’s show?’ He sprayed crumbs towards her.

She stifled a laugh. ‘They sure are.’

‘We’re eating Miss Daisy’s cookies,’ he said to Adam who kept on eating and nodded.

‘Well,’ Daisy said in her best Miss Daisy voice. ‘As much as we like company why don’t you tell me why you’re here?’

Clearly stalling for time Mark asked the question that she had been dreading. ‘Where’s your husband and kids?’

Jane laughed and did her best chook impression, ‘boock.’

Daisy thought about lying, saying they were away, at work or at school, but she had already lied so much. ‘I’m sorry, I made them up.’

‘How could you?’ Mark said. ‘You lied to everyone.’ Mark looked like he’d found out Santa didn’t exist. Adam took another cookie.

‘I know,’ she hurried on. ‘But all the things I teach are real. I honestly believe they’ll help if something bad does happen. I made up Bob and kids so people would listen.’ She looked Mark in the eye. ‘You can understand that can’t you? Did you only tell the truth to get here today?’

‘I suppose not,’ he admitted.

‘How did you find me?’

Mark looked at Adam who shrugged. ‘Adam’s awesome with computers. Your website was easy.’

‘Great, anyone can find me.’

‘Not anymore,’ Mark grinned, ‘Adam fixed it.’

‘Bless you Adam, you’re a criminal with a heart,’ she laughed and pushed the decimated plate of cookies towards him. Adam blushed and took another. ‘So, it’s only you two watching?’

‘Yeah um,’ Mark said. ‘And the others.’

‘Others?’ God was she traumatising a whole school?

Mark ducked his head. ‘Some of the other kids at Katherine House.’

Daisy knew Katherine House. It was a care home. ‘That’s hours away. How did you get here?’

‘We caught the train and some guy gave us a lift from the station.’

Daisy bit her tongue on the lecture about the dangers of two boys getting into a stranger’s car. ‘I better call them.’

‘No wait, we need your help,’ Mark said.

Daisy paused.

‘Adam found something,’ Mark said.

‘What?’ Daisy asked.

‘We went to the Dish for school, it got us kinda curious about space, so we had a look around the Space Research Centre website and stuff,’ Mark said.

‘Stuff?’ Daisy said.

‘Yeah,’ Mark said. ‘Around their system a bit, it was easy, wasn’t it?’ he nudged Adam.

She should have known that kids that hauled their arses to the middle of nowhere to find her wouldn’t be content to check out the junior factsheets on the NASA website.

‘What happened?’ Daisy said. ‘Did you get caught or something?’

‘Nah, Adam’s way too good for that.’ Mark said. ‘I told you, he found something.’

Adam reached into his bag and pulled out a sleek, very new looking laptop. He turned it on and pushed it towards her.

‘Is this from the Research Centre?’ Jane asked. Adam nodded. ‘Jesus,’ she said as she backed away from the computer. ‘We’re all going to get arrested.’

Daisy looked at the screen, there were maps, calculations and the word asteroid. ‘So it’s something about an asteroid? I’m sure they monitor them all the time.’

‘Yeah but look, it’s a really big one and it says it could hit.’ Mark said.

‘Hit what?’ Daisy asked.

‘The world,’ Mark said.

Daisy shook her head. ‘Jane what do you think?’

Jane looked over her shoulder at the screen. ‘Fuck’.

‘Language,’ Daisy said.

‘You’re kidding me right? I’m sure they have a better swear vocabulary than me. Besides I think a massive asteroid heading this way warrants it.’

‘How big?’ Daisy said.

‘Apocalypse big.’

‘Do you think it could it be a simulation?’ Daisy said hopefully.

‘It’s real.’ Mark said. ‘And we have to do something. We tried to tell someone but no one believes us.’ He turned to Daisy. ‘You could make them,’

‘Me?’ Daisy backed away from the table.

 

Daisy sat on her back step and took a deep breath. She couldn’t go back in there, what could she do to help them? She could go online and tell people how to prepare for an imaginary apocalypse, but this was different, this was real.

Jane banged through the old screen door of the kitchen and thrust a paper bag at Daisy ‘Here.’

Daisy took the bag. ‘What’s this for?’

‘I don’t know,’ Jane shrugged. ‘Isn’t it what they give people on TV when they’re hyperventilating?’

‘I’m not hyperventilating. I’m freaking out. The world’s possibly ending and I’m pretty sure those boys expect me to do something about it.’

‘Yeah that secret identity was bound to get you sooner or later,’ Jane said. Daisy looked at her. ‘Fine, I might know someone who can help us figure out what’s going on.’

‘Who?’

Jane shook her head and pulled out her phone, ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this.’

‘What?’

Jane held up her hand as the call picked up. ‘Norma, I need Robert’s number.’ Daisy could hear Norma squeaking in excitement. ‘No, I just want to speak to him,’ Jane rolled her eyes. ‘Thank you.’

‘What can he do?’ Daisy asked.

‘He was a big deal astrophysicist.’ Jane said. ‘He worked at the Centre they hacked. He had a little, well psychotic break when they cut his program. He tried to choke the Director. Now he’s back here living in his aunt’s shed.’

‘I thought he fixed toasters or something.’ Daisy tried to imagine the awkward, abrupt man choking someone.

‘He does now.’

 

There was a knock at the door as Daisy dished up minestrone she had made for the show the week before. The boys sat at the counter, ready with their spoons.

‘Jane, can you get it?’ Daisy took another vintage soup bowl from the cupboard, this one a warm green with a pie crust edge. She looked down at her apron. It was usually the first thing that came off when someone turned up. ‘Shit.’

‘What?’ Jane turned back.

‘He’s going to find out about Miss Daisy.’

‘Really?’ Jane said. ‘A world ending asteroid could be heading this way and you’re worried about your secret identity being unmasked?’

Robert walked into the kitchen. ‘No need to worry about that secret identity.’

‘Breaking into houses now are we?’ Jane said.

‘The door was open. Hello boys, hello Miss Daisy.’

Daisy turned, dripping soup from the ladle in her hand on the floor. ‘You know about Miss Daisy?’

‘Sure, the whole town knows. I’m probably the only one that actually watches it though. Hey,’ he said darting to the table. ‘Are these the cookies from Tuesday?’

She mutely nodded as he grabbed the last unbroken cookie and shoved it in his mouth whole like the boys had. They nudged each other and laughed. Through the crumbs Robert said to Jane.

‘It’s hard to keep a secret in this town.’

Jane’s mouth dropped open.

‘We all love the photo on the inside of your book of you in that shiny black PVC, dangling those handcuffs’

‘I’m wearing a mask, how the hell did anyone know it’s me?’

‘Aunt Norma enjoys a bit of erotica. She recognised the mole on your collarbone.’

Daisy laughed and dropped the ladle into the soup with a splash. ‘You mean all this time Jane and I have been congratulating ourselves for keeping our secret lives, well, secret, the whole town knew?’

Robert shrugged, ‘Pretty much.’

After the soup had been slurped up, Daisy rinsed the bowls and neatly stacked them on the sink, anything to put off the conversation that was hurtling towards her.

‘Right,’ Robert said, ‘show me what you found.’ The boys pushed the laptop towards him. His hands danced over the keyboard. ‘Oh yeah they’ve got a problem all right.’

‘Just tell us what’s going on,’ Daisy said.

‘According to this, Asteroid KL2.53 is three kilometres wide and is due to hit sometime in the next few months. If they kept on with my research they would have had plenty of time.’

‘Moving on,’ Jane said. ‘What does it mean?’

‘It’s not a global killer but it’s bloody close.’

‘Global killer?’ Daisy grabbed Jane’s hand.

‘See,’ Mark said. ‘We have to do something.’

‘Look,’ Robert said, ‘it might change course. And there are a few things that NASA has been working on over the last couple of years that might work. Of course if they had more time–’

‘Can you find out what’s happening?’ Jane said.

Robert grinned. ‘I still have some friends at the Centre I can call and try and get a handle on what’s going on.’

‘Thank you.’ Daisy said.

Robert stood up, got his phone out of his pocket and looked at it for a beat before scrolling through his contacts. He straightened his shoulders. ‘Hi Pete, it’s Robert, Robert Malcolm, yeah mate I’m going well, busy…yeah, I’m doing some consulting work.’

Jane mimed using a screwdriver. Daisy giggled and then the boys started. Robert turned his back on them and walked towards the hall.

‘Shush,’ Daisy said. ‘I want to listen.’

‘So,’ Robert said, ‘I’ve been hearing some pretty strange rumours about an asteroid. What’s going on?’ He paused, and then went on. ‘Pete, you owe me, big. Right, how long? Have they decided when they’re going public? Ok, are they going to try and give it a bump? Mm and what about? Tow it? Isn’t that a bit risky?’ That was the last part of the conversation Daisy could understand.

Robert ended the call and sat back down.

‘Well?’ Jane asked.

‘It’s real.’ Robert said.

‘What’ll happen if it hits?’ Daisy asked.

‘Fire storms, tidal waves, enough dust to block out the sun and a crater the size of Australia.’

‘You know,’ Jane said. ‘Strangely I don’t find that comforting.’

‘But they’re trying to stop it.’ Robert said.

‘How?’ Daisy asked.

‘Some of the work NASA’s doing. They’ll start by slamming a probe into it to knock it off its trajectory, otherwise known as bumping it.’

‘And if that doesn’t work?’ Jane said.

‘They’ll try something else, and they’ll keep on trying until it works or the world ends.’

Robert seemed oddly elated. He probably lived for this kind of space intrigue. Mark had jumped up from the table and was yelling.

‘See I told you, I told you.’

‘Mark sit down,’ Daisy said. Mark sat. ‘What are we going to do?’

‘We’re going to tell,’ Mark said.

‘That’s not up to us to decide,’ Robert said. ‘They want to try and stop it before they potentially wreck the world’s economy.’

‘So they’re not going to go public?’ Jane asked.

‘Not yet,’ Robert said.

‘But Daisy could,’ Jane said. ‘That’s what you’re here for isn’t it?’ she looked at the boys who nodded.

‘No one will believe her, like no one believed you.’ Robert turned to Daisy. ‘Let’s face it you’re as much a crackpot as your viewers.’

‘Like you can talk,’ Jane said.

‘He’s right,’ Daisy said.

‘Even if you could get the world to believe, I’m not sure you’d want them to. Can you imagine the panic? Can you imagine what your fans would do?’

Daisy thought of the guns and the bunkers and the fear. ‘You’re right, we can’t tell anyone.’

‘No,’ yelled Mark, ‘you have to tell. They have to have a chance.’

‘I’m with Mark,’ Jane said. ‘You’ve spent two years preparing them for an apocalypse and when something’s really happening you’re going to lie to them?’

Jane was right. Could she go on the Internet every day and keep this from them? Maybe her show helped people who thought something bad was coming. Maybe giving them something to prepare for gave them a sense of control. ‘So we tell?’ Daisy looked around.

‘Yes,’ Mark said.

‘You’ll probably go to juvenile detention if they find out you guys hacked the Centre.’ Robert said.

Adam looked defiant. He knew that already, Daisy thought. Even the twelve-year-olds were prepared to fight for what they thought was right.

‘I’ll give people the chance to prepare,’ she said. ‘It’s easy to say that there’s nothing they can do against something this big, but how do we know that no one will survive? Maybe having a stash of food and water will save someone’s life. And I’ll give people the chance to spend their last days the way they want to. How can we deny them that when we have it?’

Adam looked at Daisy. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I’m going to do what I do best.’

‘What?’ Jane said. ‘Go on the Internet and tell lies about your chooks?’

‘Chooks?’ Robert asked.

‘Bob, Steve and Jessie,’ Jane and the boys chorused.

‘They’re your chooks?’ Robert asked.

Daisy put her hands up. ‘Yes, they’re my chooks, now get over it. I’ve got a show to prepare for.’

 

Daisy smiled into the camera. ‘Stay safe and look after each other.’ But before turning off the camera she added. ‘And do something that makes you happy. Make the most of now.’ She sat down and looked at the unlikely alliance seated around the table. ‘What now?’

‘Well,’ Jane said as she got up and turned on the radio, ‘I think we should take Miss Daisy’s advice. I pick dancing’. Ella Fitzgerald was singing about why the lady is a tramp. ‘How appropriate,’ Jane laughed and danced over to Robert.

He got up and took Jane’s hand, spinning her away from him and back.

Jane turned to the boys. ‘And you two, what do you pick?’

‘Ice cream,’ Mark said. Adam nodded. ‘We want Miss Daisy’s homemade ice cream.’

‘Go ahead,’ Daisy said pointing to the freezer.

Daisy sat and watched as Jane and Robert danced and the boys searched the kitchen drawers for spoons. Was this really her house?

Jane shimmied up to her. ‘Well Miss Daisy what do you pick?’

Daisy looked at the boys digging into a tub of ice cream, Robert dancing and singing along to Ella and Jane laughing, all while the world might end.

She got out of her chair and did a pirouette, apron flying. ‘This,’ she said. ‘I pick this.’